The Way Forward

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The Way ForwardIf you look back too much, worry about all the stupid, irresponsible things you have done to put you in the crappy position you find yourself in now, you will make yourself crazy. Pun intended. I have been beating myself up pretty badly for the past. Everything that has happened, the position I am in now are all my fault. I am a completely worthless, stupid, idiot. Next to a crackhead, the dumbest person on the planet, no offense to crackheads.

All this looking back and grilling myself over it, while true, is not helping. It’s making things much worse actually. It’s sucking what little hope is left right out of me. I have come to realize there now is only one thing left, the way forward. All I can think about and focus on is the way forward. Put one foot in front of the other and start walking, away from the bomb blast. Not that it’s that easy, but you have to will yourself forward despite everything. Despite feeling there is nothing left in you to believe in, you must believe there is one small shred of kindling left to start the next fire in you.

Eyes front, don’t look back, walk. the way forward.

I Give Up

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I Give UpSo much for the year of caring; It’s not been a very good start.

I’ve really done next to nothing this year about everything that is important. I feel like I’ve given up. I’ve stopped trying, stopped caring. It’s like I’m now just waiting around for the entire bottom to fall out. What happens after that I don’t know and I don’t seem to care because I take no action to stop it.

The Year Of Caring

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caring

Happy New Year.

I hate rote traditions and one of the worst is new years resolutions. Just complete bullshit, although it does sell a lot of gym memberships.

Some people I know and respect on the Net have a thing they do where they pick a few words to be like watchwords for the year. It’s kind of like a theme for the year that goals
This year, however, I am giving it a shot and the word I am choosing is Care. It is the year of caring.might spring out of. A framework for the year if you will. I have resisted doing this because I’ve sworn off any and all such new years traditions.

If you read the previous post about depression and indifference, you will see that I have been feeling quite indifferent this year. It hasn’t done much for me and in fact is putting me on a dangerous path in several regards. I’ve just decided to start caring again.

 

Caring about my wife and family
Caring about my health and body
Caring about my career and income
Caring about what kind of person I am
Caring about life

It’s the root cause of all my problems and my life would improve tremendously if I cared. I don’t know what else to do. It’s either that or check out really and I don’t feel like checking out. So welcome to the year of caring.

Depression or Indifference – Which is Worse?

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indifferenceI have been thinking about the difference between depression and indifference. I have been feeling myself moving from one to the other. When you are depressed, I think you still care. Part of the depression is the gap between where you are and where you would like to be. You become depressed because things are not the way you want and you cannot find a path. But when you’re indifferent, you just don’t care at all. When it stops mattering and you’re willing to accept whatever comes down the pike, that’s a different thing.

I have been feeling more indifferent lately than depressed. I get tired of fighting and just want to let it all go. I think indifference is more dangerous than depression because you have stopped caring. It feels better because when you’re depressed you’re still fighting, still feeling. When you’re indifferent, it’s all so much easier.

It’s been a year that started with more depression for me but is ending with more indifference. But I’ve been thinking about this and the next post will be a new years post that may surprise you. Stay tuned.

Forced Happiness

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Forced HappinessIt’s the most wonderful time of the year, so says the song. Really? For some of us that’s a lot of pressure to live up to. You’re supposed to be happy at the holidays and feel good. If you don’t your some kind of grinch. Yes they even have a word for it. This forced happiness is what I think troughs so many people off. You’re just trying to keep your head above water as the everyday struggle with anxiety and depression does not take a holiday. Now you are made to feel like there is really something wrong with you because you’re not “jolly”.  I think I would be happier and have an easier time taking it all better if I could be happy on my own terms not because it was so forced.

In other snark, it’s also the season of giving the season of sharing. Really? Seems more like the season of amped up marketing and crazed shopping. Every kiss begins with Kay and aren’t you putting a Lexus in the driveway like everyone else? The Every kiss begins with Kay has bothered me for years because it implies that love can only be gotten with a diamond gift. Watching gleeful couples giggle over their new Lexus is also nauseating in a time when so many people are struggling to keep food on the table. We won’t even talk about the recent bouts of “competitive shopping“.

Face it, the holidays are one giant pressure cooker. Pressure to be happy, pressure to give the right gift, pressure to get along with family. I know many people do love the holidays, no matter what. God love you, have a wonderful season, but please be aware there are many who have a more difficult time in this period of the year.

Bullet Dodged

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Bullet DodgeJust to keep you guys up to date, we did not end up buying the house that was causing me so much concern. We ended up finding another house not too far away that was much better in every way and did not cause me any anxiety. So, bullet dodged.

I talked about this with my new psychologist, about how for the fist time since taking it, the Lexapro wall was pierced. But also, how this sense of, as she called it, existential loneliness, keeps coming back in my life. I can track it back to what was my very first complete nervous breakdown. That I will blog about in a future post.

As we further plumb the depths of my mind and attempt to get my wiring back on track, this will be a big one to tackle. As I may have said in the past, I have not had much luck with psychologists in the past, but this one I have now, who is actually a nurse practitioner, is the best I have ever seen.

Trouble With Change

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ChangeConsider this a part two of the Gloom From Out Of The Blue post. I have always had problems with change, especially change that comes suddenly or without warning. I have a story to tell you as an example of change and it relates to the Out Of The Blue post perfectly because it’s also about moving.

When I left college I went to the Silicon Valley to seek my fortune. I was completely hooked on tech and there’s no place better for pure tech than the valley. Also, my two sisters both lived in the valley so that was a nice bonus. I found an apartment in Sunnyvale with a guy I met on some kind of apartment matching service. This was before the web that we know today so I can’t remember how the service worked. He was a nice guy and we got along great. We had a two bedroom apartment in a nice complex and all was good.

After a year or so of living there he tells me that he is going to move to a new place a few miles away that is more of a condo setup. It’s much more like a house than an apartment and is therefore much nicer. He was happy to have me come along if I wanted.

I looked at the place with him and it seemed fine, but I started feeling very anxious about it. At the apartment, there were more units and a little market and activities. There was a sense of community that I really liked. There was no such things at the new condo. It made me get that disconnected feeling I described in the Out Of The Blue post. It’s not like I had a lot of friends or participated in any social events at the apartment complex, but the fact that they were available at all seemed to make a difference. But I did not want to find a new roommate or go out on my own, so anxiety and all, I went along. I remember the first few weeks at the new place, my anxiety surged. I was so uncomfortable and sad. I cried several times. After awhile though, I did adjust. After a few weeks I was fine and I lived there for another year and had no problems. That beginning adjustment period was the heard part.

So I am thinking about this new house that is freaking me out and now wondering if there will be a similar adjustment period that will be very hard but after a few weeks I will adjust and be fine. I don’t even know yet if we will even buy that house, but if we do, I hope this self awareness helps me though the adjustment period.

Gloom From Out Of The Blue

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Blue RoseSomething very strange happened to me today; I experienced a strong feeling of gloom, right out of the blue. I have been through other hard, stressful times. I experienced things that would usually get me very depressed or anxious, but the Lexapro always buffered things. At most I felt a certain numbness which was weird in itself.

Today my wife and I were out looking at a particular house as we have been looking at moving within the next year. It nothing unexpected and it was even in a city we have looked at before. I was perfectly fine driving around checkout the surrounding area, no problems. On our last pass by the house I got this sinking feeling, completely unexpected, but there it was. I can’t even put into words what it was, a very vague feeling of gloom. It has stayed with me for the past several hours. There are some things that concern me about where the house is, but why that would manifest it self so strongly before I have even seen the house itself is strange. It’s a somewhat valid but at the same time not valid concern. What freaks me out a little is that it’s the first thing to ever pierce the Lexapro web. Not that I have gone into a serious depression or anything close to it, but this gloom feeling is the strongest negative feeling I have had since going on Lexapro.

There are two probable reasons I have this anxiety right now. I always get anxious around any kind of change. I like to get settled in a situation and then be happy. I have not historically dealt well with change. Even when it’s a change I know about and even agree with, like moving. If there is even the smallest chance of something negative, I freak out.

The second probable reason is much more potent as it goes to the very core of who I am and how I operate. I have a desperate fear of disconnection. It’s not a fear of being alone. I like being alone, sometimes. No, it’s disconnection meaning I want to feel connected to other people and the world around me. It’s like the opposite of a hermit.

A hermit (adjectival form: eremitic) is a person who lives, to some degree, in seclusion from society.

You see, I like to live in great inclusion to society. This particular house is in a city that is quite rural for one but more troubling is the house is at the end of a private road, tucked into a forested area. What will the view be like? Will it be only forest or can I see out into the distance across an area of land? Is there enough room as to not feel to closed in? I like some privacy but I want to be able to see, even in the distance, other houses and roads. The big problem here is that we never got to see the house as it was on that private drive, so we did not got to a point where we could really see anything. That will come tomorrow when we meet a relator to see the entire house, inside and out. Maybe it will be fine, maybe it won’t. Maybe this piercing of the Lexapro is temporary and my strength will soon return. What is for certain is this fear of disconnection is something I am going to have to take up with my new shrink.

Lexapro Is The Bedrock On Which I Stand

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Happy PillsWhen I first went to the psychiatrist to get medecine for my depression, I really thought I was going to get something to make me feel happy. What I got was Lexapro which does not make me feel happy. What it does is put a floor under me so that I do not descend into a deep spiral of depression. The best way I can describe Lexapro is that it doesn’t allow me to feel sad. This is a good thing and I’m glad for it, but I really thought there was some kind of happy pill. After several inquiries I have to accept the fact that there is no happy pill.

My first psychiatrist asked once if I wanted to come off the Lexapro as I was doing better. I am not at all ready for that. I’m a little scared to tell you the truth to go off because won’t I go right back to where I was? I haven’t really dealt with the core of my problems yet. Lexapro keeps me going until then. That is why my new nurse practitioner and I are on a path to really get to the core of what is going on and change my neural pathways to literally think different. Only then will I be able to quit the Lexapro.

Self Inflicted Wounds

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It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself when you are suffering from depression. There are so many things we can point to that are the cause of our depression. But how many of these things are in truth self-inflicted? How many problems do we create for ourselves?

I know I am guilty of plenty of self-inflicted wounds. One of two of my most serious problems that get me the most down are largely of my own doing. Then you get into a nasty circle of defeat. I can’t fix my problem because I’m too down and depressed and I’m down and depressed because of this problem. All of a sudden you feel like your in a no way out situation, which heightens the depression. The only thing I can think of that is better about self-inflicted problems is you have more control over them as apposed to problems coming from an outside source you have little or no control over. It doesn’t make it any easier but get some perspective on your problems and determine which ones are self-inflicted.